life of WHAT IF'S

the word which i use annoyingly often.....a word which at times changed the course of my life....at every crossroads of decision making i was plagued with this word...what if i do it this way?...what if they feel bad?...what if i don't go there?...what if ....x..y..z.....no matter whatever the situation was....it's always been "what if".....
this "what if" has been a great help and a hindrance....there were times...when it saved my neck...and there were also times when it cost me a lot....some tricky situations in life need handling with care...."what if" has been both helpful and disastrous....i often think...do anyone else lay store so much in this word?
i remember well..there was a time during my schooling...when i had a real big and nasty fight with a close friend...i was hurt and angry and was ready to go for her neck at the slightest chance...i was just an inch away from severing my ties with her....ready to weed her out of my life...and then when i was about to do it...this word spranged into my mind...what if it was my fault?..after some very serious introspection..i realised that it was as much my fault as it had been hers...we were both equally faulty...i was in no way different from her....i made peace with her and now...she is still my very good friend who is always there for me whenever i need her...needless to say..my "what if" saved me from losing such a wonderful person as a friend....
coming to think about it ...there was this incident during my engineering....i had a major disagreement with a few of my classmates regarding some plan....we had a heated argument and i left the place in a huff....after i cooled down i wanted to go back and clarify my position with them....and as usual...i was like...what if they can't understand?...what if they don't bother?....i never went back to speak out the issue..to clear out things....and needless to say..we never saw eye to eye again.....we never spoke with each other again....
in the meandering course of life..there have been times when...my what if....helped me to evolve as a better person...to understand people better.....to be more human......then...there have been times..when these words held me back...prevented me from taking that much needed step forward...from taking an occasional risk which could have worked out in my favour....from plunging head long into a challenging task....
no matter what my experinces are...no matter what my short comings are...i still find myself thinking..."what if?" whenever i find myself at the crossroads of decision making....even now i'm thinking...what if people read this blog................